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  • February 06, 2023 1 min read

    BREAKING: Evolutionary scientists have just made a groundbreaking discovery - the citizens of Philadelphia appear to be experiencing an unprecedented adaptation in their finger pads which allows them to scale greased vertical structures deemed unclimbable by humans from other cities.

    When asked for comment, Professor Jonathan Baum from Temple University's Evolutionary Studies Department said, "This reminds me of when the giraffe first extended its neck to reach riper fruit found on higher branches, thus sparking an evolutionary divergence from its shorter-necked okapi cousin. Except, as far as i know, the giraffe's blood alcohol content was far lower than what is typical of the Philadelphia sports fan in whom we see this finger pad adaptation present."

    Scientists believe that the constant attempts by Philadelphians to climb greased light poles in celebration of their local sports' teams victories has triggered this evolutionary mechanism. Or it may just be a genetic mutation caused by the high lead concentration found in some of the local drinking water supplied by nearby Neshaminy Creek.

    Source: TheWhizWitOnion