The international man-hunt to find Waldo is finally over. Waldo, 47, was shot dead by Philadelphia Police Tuesday morning just outside the abandoned Kensington apartment that served as the fugitives final hideout.
For more than a decade, Interpol has been attempting to track Waldo – a suspected narcotics kingpin – but with little success. Despite an abundance of aerial surveillance and a virtual army of 5 to 9 year-olds on the look-out, spotting Waldo had proved difficult.
“That little turd was impossible to spot,” said Interpol’s president, Mireille Ballestrazzi. Holding an aerial surveillance photo of Waldo in Istanbul, she squinted, visibly frustrated. “I’ve been looking as this photo for 5 minutes, and I still can’t find his little turd face.”
Last week, however, Philadelphia Police received a tip from a local Kindergartener that a man fitting Waldo’s description – middle-aged, around 6’6″ with thick black-rimmed glasses and a red-and-white bobbled hat – had been frequenting an abandoned complex in Kingsington. According to the police report, the precocious six-year-old also “spotted Waldo’s dog, Woof, and his girlfriend, Wenda.” The report noted that her parents must be “very proud of her.”
Police raided the complex at dawn, hoping to take Waldo by surprise, but the situation escalated quickly. Local witnesses report hearing a rapid barrage of gunshots. When the dust settled, Waldo was dead, shot 17 times, still clutching his unregistered semi-automatic rifle. Also found at the scene was 2,400 pounds of cocaine, worth an estimated $35 million, making this one of the largest drug busts in Philadelphia history.
Addressing the press, Philadelphia’s Chief of Police, Charles Ramsey, was ecstatic. “We got him. We finally got him,” he said, holding an elaborately detailed aerial photo of the scene of the shootout. “I personally do not see Waldo in this photo, my associates assure me that he is in this photo and he is dead. God bless you.”
Now, the search continues for Waldo’s boss, believed to head the most powerful cocaine cartel in the world. Known only as “Wizard Whitebeard,” this shadowy figure has proved even more elusive than Waldo himself. Interpol is asking for any tips on the whereabouts of Wizard Whitebeard, with a bounty of $1,000,000 for any information leading to his capture.