Santa to Bypass Philadelphia in 2015

Today's press conference from the North Pole sent shockwaves throughout the City of Brotherly Love

Local children are in mourning today as it was announced that Santa Clause will not be stopping in Philadelphia this Christmas Eve. Speaking from the North Pole, a visibly annoyed Santa made the announcement late last night. “This is something I’ve been considering for a couple of decades now. At some point, I have to take my own well-being and psychological health into consideration. With that being said, we’ll be skipping Philadelphia this year.”

When pressed to elaborate on his reasoning, Santa listed a series of bad experiences during his time in the City of Brotherly Love. “Three years ago I was assaulted by a drunk guy who was, ironically, dressed up like me. Two years ago I was given $300 parking ticket. I have no idea how that cop even got onto the roof. Then last year there was this horrific trend of families leaving out soymilk with kale cookies. Kale cookies!”

In the last 3 years, Santa has amassed over $1,100 in parking tickets – one reason he's skipping Philly this year.
In the last 3 years, Santa has amassed over $1,100 in parking tickets – one reason he’s skipping Philly this year.

Despite these unfortunate occurrences, Santa insists that logistics are the biggest reason for this unprecedented snub of an entire city. “You can’t deliver what you can’t haul. Most of the reindeer won’t fly there anymore and that slows the entire process to an absolute crawl. Unfortunately, we experienced a series of gunshots in the late 2000s. And while Donner wasn’t anyone’s favorite, he certainly didn’t deserve to go out like that.”

Unsurprisingly, the news has been met with a mix of anger and disappointment among Philadelphia residents. “Christmas without Santa just makes the whole day feel kind of pointless,” said Steve Sanders, pastor of a local Philadelphia church. “Plus, now I have to actually talk to my six year old about what he wants for a present, and frankly he’s not all that interesting to engage with.”

A somewhat resigned Santa was asked if this would be a one-year exception or if the possibility of excluding Philadelphia permanently was an option. “It’s too early to make any long term plans, but I honestly don’t think the city will miss me all that much. When seventy-five percent of the children are asking for the one thing I cant give them, it becomes a depressing trip for both sides. But I’ve come to terms with my limitations and I’ve made peace with the knowledge that even Santa doesn’t have the authority to deliver a decent sports team.”

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