For the fourth time in five years, residents of Philadelphia have been crowned the most expressive commuters by the Department of Internal Commuter Knowledge. Phillip Stanton, head of the D.I.C.K., met with Mayor Nutter last week to present him with the D.I.C.K. Seal, which ranks the highest honor that Mr. Stanton’s organization can award.
When asked how Philadelphia topped the rankings, Mr. Stanton explained; “It’s the nuances that really set Philadelphia apart. Sure, a New Yorker may honk at someone when a light turns green if they are second in line, but in Philadelphia, everyone from the eighth car back will remind that first car of their option to move forward. This type of community input is simply not seen in other cities.” Likewise, while every city rated a percentage of pedestrians who were willing to convey their displeasure with motorists, Philadelphians were unique in their commitment to express their point of view. “Only in Philly will someone continue to yell at a car a good thirty seconds after they are clearly out of ear shot” Mayor Nutter beamed while accepting the D.I.C.K. Seal last Friday. “Our city insists on keeping the conversation going.”
This year’s award was even expanded to include the nation’s most popular exercise trails. “The volume of entirely unnecessary bells jingled by cyclists and the shouting of ‘On Your Left’ was two times more prevalent on Philadelphia’s famous Kelly Drive than on any other city’s equivalently sized running trail,” Mr. Stanton explained. “It’s clear that at least fifty percent of all Philadelphia commuters would easily fall into the highest of D.I.C.K. standards.”
The City of Brotherly Love also ranked number two in the country behind Washington DC in commuter use of hand gestures. This becomes all the more impressive when taking into account Washington’s dense Deaf population. “We’re an expressive city,” gushed the Mayor. “That’s the beauty of Philadelphia. We don’t need to agree on everything, or even anything. The important thing is that we make sure everyone around us knows how we feel at every possible moment.”