In a press conference today, the Philadelphia Eagles General Manager, Chip Kelly, announced that he will be firing the Eagles head coach, Chip Kelly, effective immediately.
GM Kelly, who effectively became the Eagles GM during the off-season when he was given unquestioned reign over the entire organization, appeared to have not slept or showered in days. Yet, his eyes still gleamed wildly, driven by a brilliance most of us cannot fathom. An involuntary smirk randomly flashed across his face as he delivered the news.
“Now that I have control over the entire organization as GM,” Chip Kelly began, his left eye twitching, “I’d like to address the biggest gap in our current organization – head coach, Chip Kelly.”
“I’ve given Chip Kelly everything he needs to succeed,” Kelly continued. “He simply hasn’t executed. That’s why I’ve asked him to leave. And I will be absorbing the role of head coach immediately.”
While it is unconventional for a GM to become the Coach, Kelly has been an unconventional GM. During the offseason, GM Kelly made some trades that had analysts scratching their heads. But now, four games into the season, it is clear that these moves were the workings of god-like genius, the brilliance of which have only been thwarted by the poor execution of head coach Kelly.
GM Kelly finished the conference with a brilliant analogy.
“Look, I’ve picked the ingredients as the GM. Now I should get to cook the meal as head coach. I mean, what kind of restaurant would have one person buy the ingredients, then another person chop up the ingredients, then another person cook it, then another person deliver it to the table. That just isn’t how you run a restaurant.”